You're Not Listening : What You're Missing and Why It Matters
by Murphy, Kate







Introduction1(4)
1 The Lost Art of Listening
5(16)
2 That Syncing Feeling: The Neuroscience of Listening
21(14)
3 Listening to Your Curiosity: What We Can Learn from Toddlers
35(12)
4 I Know What You're Going to Say: Assumptions as Earplugs
47(14)
5 The Tone-Deaf Response: Why People Would Rather Talk to Their Dog
61(9)
6 Talking Like a Tortoise, Thinking Like a Hare: The Speech-Thought Differential
70(8)
7 Listening to Opposing Views: Why It Feels Like Being Chased by a Bear
78(11)
8 Focusing on What's Important: Listening in the Age of Big Data
89(14)
9 Improvisational Listening: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Work
103(11)
10 Conversational Sensitivity: What Terry Gross, LBJ, and Con Men Have in Common
114(14)
11 Listening to Yourself: The Voluble Inner Voice
128(8)
12 Supporting, Not Shifting, the Conversation
136(17)
13 Hammers, Anvils, and Stirrups: Turning Sound Waves into Brain Waves
153(19)
14 Addicted to Distraction
172(11)
15 What Words Conceal and Silences Reveal
183(10)
16 The Morality of Listening: Why Gossip Is Good for You
193(9)
17 When to Stop Listening
202(16)
Conclusion218(7)
Gratitude225(4)
Notes229(40)
Index269


""An essential book for our times. How well we listen determines how we love, learn, and connect with one another, and in this moment when we need to hear and be heard more than ever, this thought-provoking and engaging book shows us how." -Lori Gottlieb, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone At work, we're taught to lead the conversation. On social media, we shape our personal narratives. At parties, we talk over one another. So do our politicians. We're not listening. And no one is listening to us. Despite living in a world where technology allows constant digital communication and opportunities to connect, it seems no one is really listening or even knows how. And it's making us lonelier, more isolated, and less tolerant than ever before. A listener by trade, New York Times contributor Kate Murphy wanted to know how we got here. In this always illuminating and often humorous deep dive, Murphy explains why we're not listening, what it's doing to us, and how we can reverse the trend. She makes accessible the psychology, neuroscience, and sociology of listening while also introducing us to some of the best listeners out there (including a CIA agent, focus group moderator, bartender, radio producer, and top furniture salesman). Equal parts cutting expose, rousing call to action, and practical advice, You're Not Listening is to listening what Susan Cain's Quiet was to introversion. It's time to stop talking and start listening"-





Kate Murphy is a Houston, Texas-based journalist who has written for The New York Times, The Economist, Agence France-Presse, and Texas Monthly.





What do NPR's Terry Gross, LBJ, and con men have in common? They are all or were exceptionally talented at listening. In this celebratory compendium of the underappreciated art of truly hearing another's perspective, New York Times contributor Murphy outlines the characteristics of good listeners, presents research into the benefits and significant outcomes of listening, and makes a strong case for adjusting how we approach conversations in our professional and personal lives. With insights from skilled listeners, including a hostage negotiator, focus-group moderator, air-traffic controller, hairstylist, priest, and many others, along with her own experiences interviewing sources for articles, Murphy explores how we can better understand those around us. Too often, she says, we merely wait for our turn to talk in a conversation. With concrete advice and a wealth of guidelines, readers will come away with tips for a better approach, one that can be exceptionally useful, whether in the boardroom or at home. In an era dominated by incessant broadcasting and attention-seeking behavior on social media, listening offers both a salve and a solution. Copyright 2019 Booklist Reviews.





A lively debut that asserts the power of closing our mouths and opening our ears. Houston-based journalist Murphy delves into the academic research on listening, which tends to be scantier than that on its noisier cousin, talking, and chronicles her interviews with those whose work revolves around hearing and paying attention, including a priest, a bartender, and a CIA agent. The author suggests that what might seem at first to be a passive activity is in fact an active, demanding one and a skill that can be learned with practice. At the basis of listening, Murphy maintains, is a sharp curiosity and the kind of openness that indicates the hearer has something to learn from the speaker. The author recommends thinking of active listening as a form of meditation. During a conversation, "you make yourself aware of and acknowledge distractions, then return to focus. But instead of focusing on your breathing or an image, you return your attention to the speaker." She points out that one of the primary obstacles to listening is the assumption that we know what so meone is going to say, which means, unfortunately, that we're least likely to pay attention to the people closest to us, including spouses, children, and friends. In a chapter that is particularly helpful and relevant in our increasingly polarized world, Murphy offers suggestions on "Listening to Opposing Views," including recognizing the rather remarkable fact that when people with "staunch political views" are challenged on them, "their brains reacted as if they were being chased by a bear." On a practical level, the author also recognizes that it's not necessary to "listen to everyone until they run out of breath." While the narrative runs out of steam toward the end, repeating points that have already been made, it offers enough valuable advice and concrete suggestions to make it worth reading, even for those who already think they know how to listen. A valuable corrective for a talkative culture. Copyright Kirkus 2019 Kirkus/BPI Communications. All rights reserved.






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